I'm a very sensitive person. I'm extremely sensitive to people's actions and words, and I often take things the wrong way or start over-analyzing. Catastrophe-thoughts often follow.
I think my boyfriend is the one who has experienced that the most. I easily overreact, and can get very hurt and angry even if he didn't do anything wrong. So because he made me suffer, regardless of if he actually did me wrong or if I'm just overreacting, he has to suffer, too. Logical? Not really.
Once again, I'm divided into two parts.
I usually hate fighting with people. A part of me just wants to make things okay and be happy and positive, but then there's that monster that just won't let me. It feels like I'm either going to explode or cave in in my desperate attempt to work against it and control it, 'cause both sides are so incredibly strong. Regardless of how much I try to push that ugly mindset away, I most often can't. I can't even make myself type out a happy smiley on msn. I can barely make myself tell my boyfriend that I love him, even though I really do. I can't make myself write long replies or say anything positive. I can hardly make myself reply at all. It's like this huge wall that I can't knock down. I know that it's no one's fault but my own, but it's really hard.
Also, this "punishment" always backfires. I know that it backfires, and yet I keep doing the same thing. I'm the one who gets hurt, not the person I'm trying to punish. Eventually, I feel so hopeless and desperate that I just start crying. Everyone just thinks I'm in a bad mood, and they can't really pick up on it. It's not just a "bad mood". It's an internal war between a monster and the real me. I always cry and cut and beat myself up over it afterwards and vow to control it better the next time, but I highly doubt that I can.
 |
| Picture // Tumblr |
No comments:
Post a Comment