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If anything, this was written to scare myself (and maybe others?) from attempting suicide or overdosing again, not to encourage it.
Please read with respect.
September 5th, 2011
I can hear the paramedics talking to a doctor just a few feet away from me, but I can't make out the words. It sounds so far away. My head feels like it’s filled with cotton, and I can't see straight. My eyes keep closing involuntarily, and I'm so unbelievable tired.
Now I put my life in the hands of someone else. The people who save lives. I don't have to be in control anymore. It's almost a relief.
A paramedic pats me on the shoulder before saying goodbye to me, also mentioning something about hoping he'll never have to see me like this again. He's picked me up before, and he doesn't want to do it again.
A nurse approaches me and pushes the bed I'm sitting on across the room, and the doctor finally says something I can make sense of. It makes the blood in my veins freeze.
"Gastric lavage."
At first, it feels unreal. Then tears start welling in my eyes, and soon I'm crying. I don't want to. I know what it means - that I'll have to have my stomach pumped. I beg them, my voice shaky. I ask if they can't just let me drink activated charcoal like the previous times, but the doctor shakes his head.
"You've taken too many pills for that, I’m afraid. It's important we get all of them out now."
The nurse from earlier gives me a clean hospital shirt and tells me to change into it, and then leaves. I do as I'm told, although hesitating due to the hatred for my body. I lay down again after putting it on. The doctor prepares things, including the tube. It's thick, and I'm not so sure it's even possible to get it down my throat. I’m shaking. I’m scared.
Two more nurses accompany the doctor. One of them draws blood and leaves, and the other checks my blood pressure. When they're finished, the doctor quickly explains the procedure while the first nurse returns with a cup of water.
They tell me to lie down. The two nurses standing on each side of me now hold my arms down while the doctor tilts my head back and starts guiding the tube down my throat. One nurse gives me the water in small sips. It's given to me so that the tube will go down more easily. I start crying again as it slowly moves down my throat. I gag and cough. It’s like I’m being choked.
I'm uncertain if I throw up or not, but I doubt it - I never do. However, it feels like I'm being violated, and the whole procedure seems to take forever. They repeat it until the liquid that comes up has no more traces of pills. I hardly have any recollection of what happens next. I don’t remember how long it actually takes, and I don’t remember having the tube removed. However, I do know I’m crying the whole time.
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