So what now?

Soon after turning 18, I was referred to an outpatient clinic that specialised in personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder. The psychologist I met there was to evaluate me for a few weeks and see if I was in the target group for their therapy and if I'd be offered treatment. She concluded with no, I wasn't. She changed two of my diagnoses to one "unspecified", slapped on some other diagnoses, and sent me on my merry way.

When I was discharged from the psych ward in 2012, the psychologist I had had there urged me to talk to a nutritionist about my eating issues. Despite being terrified, I did. We scheduled a new appointment two weeks later. The day before, the office called me and cancelled, and rescheduled. The same happened the next week, and the week after that, and eventually they didn't contact me again. When the psychiatrist at the outpatient adolescent center I had gone to for several years contacted them (she was summarizing things before shipping me off to adult psychiatry), they had the nerve to say that I didn't show up and that they'd love to see me again (no thanks). 

I got a session at the district psychiatric center in.. November? The first thing the psychologist told me was that I would only get sessions every two to three weeks, and I had to be prepared for some of them to be cancelled. So much for having it written in my medical files that "intensive, long term, consistent therapy is required". I know they don't have enough capacity, but it still fucking hurts. I felt so rejected and stupid and instantly started resenting him. Then we had a couple of sessions before Christmas, and he told me he was leaving the center, but that he'd refer me to group therapy that was supposed to start up in spring. At the same time I was referred to a unit that focuses more on anxiety disorders and exposure. They rejected me. I don't know why.

The woman evaluating me for that group quickly came to the conclusion that while group could be beneficial later, it wouldn't do me any good now. I agreed, because I wasn't so keen on group therapy anyway. I told her that "I don't see a point in going here if I can't get weekly sessions, and there's no way that's gonna happen anyway, so why bother trying." How can you sum up all the shit that's happened in three weeks in 45 minutes? You can't. It's not enough. In that case, no treatment is better than infrequent and inconsistent treatment. It's better to not have anything at all than to be called up and hear that your appointment was cancelled when you really needed to talk to someone. Disappointment. Rejection. No.

I'm left with private treatment, but that's expensive. I know a lot of people experience worse than me in the mental health system, but this still hurts, and I really feel like I'm not worthy of treatment. That I'm not "sick enough". 

It shouldn't be this way; that only the ones who scream the loudest get the help they need. 

I am fucking crazy, but I am free

...at least in terms of being home vs. being institutionalized.

Picture // private

I was discharged from the psych ward I spent almost three months in in December. Diagnosis: "avoidant personality disorder", and "emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type". It makes a lot of sense to me. I wish it made sense to other people. It's hard to explain an illness that makes interactions and relations to other people so difficult and exhausting. It's hard to explain exactly how debilitating it is. It's hard to say "it's because I have this and this illness", because a lot of people will say that I have to take responsibility for my actions and stop blaming it on an illness (an illness that in their minds doesn't even exist).

If I was injured, like when I fell/was pushed down a flight of stairs and injured my leg almost three years ago, and said I couldn't walk, no one would tell me to suck it up and stop blaming my injured leg. No one would say I was just exaggerating or acting out or that I was just being lazy. Mental illness is just as bad as physical illness, but that's a whole different entry.

Emotionally unstable personality disorder (BPD) is something I've known that I probably had for a long time (and my previous psychologist said I had it, but I was too young to be officially diagnosed with it), but I hadn't even looked into avoidant personality disorder (AvPD). It caught me off-guard, but at least my mom can't say that I trick myself into believing I have a mental illness by reading about it now. I didn't even know what the symptoms and hallmarks of avoidant personality disorder were.

The diagnoses make me feel less alone. Enough people struggle with the same problems as me for it to be a diagnosis. Other people have the exact same problems as me. It's comforting because I always thought I was all alone about feeling like I do and being like I am.

Picture // private

I'm being referred to an outpatient treatment center where they treat personality disorders. I have to fill out the application myself (above), and I'm almost done, but it's really hard to name and put down my three biggest issues. I've been thinking a lot about it. One is to deal with relations, especially close relations. My fear of rejection and abandonment makes me get way too intense, or makes me reject people (before they get the chance to leave me). Another major issue is to trust others and believe what people tell me. The third is to regulate and control my emotions. I feel like the end is nigh and have catastrophe thoughts over very minor things. I get irrationally angry for nothing. I get upset and hurt and suicidally depressed for nothing. People don't get that, and I try to keep it inside me, but then it becomes too much and I'll just blurt everything out and become hysteric.

It'll probably take a few months before I know if I get treatment there or not, but at least it's something. It's better than DPS, the district psychiatric center. They can usually only treat people for half a year at the most, and I need something stable and longterm. The personality clinic's program is up to three years and is both group therapy and individual therapy. Everyone agrees that would be more beneficial for me. Fingers crossed.