Untitled

i once heard that over time,
all of our cells replace themselves
so maybe one day, in a while
i'll be someone completely different
and maybe you will, too

maybe then we'll cross paths again
and i don't believe in second chances, but
maybe i'd make an exception for you
and perhaps find that we are more compatible
than i ever thought

for i doubt i can be what you need and crave
at this point in time
even though i crave you
with every fiber of my being

i know my limitations, though i prefer to deny it
and continuously try
to be more than what i am,
more of what you want
to keep you

but maybe, just maybe
someday
when i've shed this skin of a girl
i truly can be

Broken trust and broken hearts

Picture // WeHeartIt

I had a therapist who once, when I talked about my parents, told me that "when your parents spent years breaking your trust, they'll have to spend at least twice as long re-building it, there's no way around that." I think that makes sense because trust can take years to build and be broken within seconds. Why can't everyone see that? Why is it that people who come into my life expect me to trust them so quickly? Why do people break my trust and then wonder why I don't trust them and don't believe them anymore?

I've been abused and lied to and abandoned by so many people in my life, so I've always been mistrusting and suspicious. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive, and he'd lie and deceive me several times (for instance, he'd flirt with others, and lead a boy on, promising they'd be together (possibly cheated on me with him, I'm not 100% certain), and then got mad at me when I found out and basically said it was none of my business, and lied about who he was dating to people). He knew I had trust issues already. I'd stay with him (silly me), and some time after the fact, I'd at some point get insecure and scared because I struggled to believe that he loved me and cared about me (which he ultimately didn't). At first, he handled my "accusations" okay... after a while, he'd just get mad at me. He claimed he worked his ass off to make me trust him again and said all his efforts were for nothing when he couldn't get me to trust him anyway so why should he bother to try, when the truth was that he didn't even fucking try, and it had only been a few weeks. In what world does that even work? I didn't trust easily to begin with.

Now, after he dumped me, it's even worse. I don't believe anything. I can't believe it if someone says they care about me, or that they're worried about me, or that they wish they could see me but can't. If I feel ignored and avoided and say that and someone says they don't mean to make me feel that way, I can't believe it. No matter what, my mind just keeps screaming "LIES!" and tells me "you're even more stupid than I thought if you believe any of what they're saying... why would anyone be truthful to you? You're not worth it." I try to block it out, and maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but that's because I'm so insanely scared of getting hurt again. How mistrusting and suspicious and scared I am is so crippling and makes it so hard to have any form of relations, especially when people refuse to show me that they care. They refuse to back up their words with action.

And now there's a guy I met and stuff who keeps saying how he can't make me trust him and how it bothers him, and I've known him for like... three months, and he's basically been ignoring and avoiding me the past weeks anyway, and again, how does that even work? It won't make it any easier, and saying that just makes me feel like he's gonna give up trying to make me trust him, too, because it takes too much time and effort.

People tend to say a lot of things, but then their actions prove otherwise. Why is it that so many people seem to think that words say as much as actions when that's nowhere near the truth? Why do so many people seem to think that trust comes so easily? Why do they think they don't have to work for it and that someone who's probably the most mistrusting person they'll ever meet can just meet them and start off by trusting them?

Also, do I have to accept that people will only tell me things, not show it? Because that's what it seems like people expect me to. If I talk about proving what they say to be true by actually doing something to back it up, people seem to perceive me as having unrealistic expectations to them; that I'm too demanding. Due to being lied to so much, I don't know if I can do that. Actions speak so much louder than words. I don't know how to learn to trust anyone without that.

Trust is earned. You have to work for it. No one should hand you their trust just 'cause you want them to. I certainly won't, and I can't.

Attempt & gastric lavage

Picture // Tumblr

If anything, this was written to scare myself (and maybe others?) from attempting suicide or overdosing again, not to encourage it. 
Please read with respect.

September 5th, 2011

I can hear the paramedics talking to a doctor just a few feet away from me, but I can't make out the words. It sounds so far away. My head feels like it’s filled with cotton, and I can't see straight. My eyes keep closing involuntarily, and I'm so unbelievable tired.

Now I put my life in the hands of someone else. The people who save lives. I don't have to be in control anymore. It's almost a relief.

A paramedic pats me on the shoulder before saying goodbye to me, also mentioning something about hoping he'll never have to see me like this again. He's picked me up before, and he doesn't want to do it again.

A nurse approaches me and pushes the bed I'm sitting on across the room, and the doctor finally says something I can make sense of. It makes the blood in my veins freeze.

"Gastric lavage."

At first, it feels unreal. Then tears start welling in my eyes, and soon I'm crying. I don't want to. I know what it means - that I'll have to have my stomach pumped. I beg them, my voice shaky. I ask if they can't just let me drink activated charcoal like the previous times, but the doctor shakes his head.

"You've taken too many pills for that, I’m afraid. It's important we get all of them out now."

The nurse from earlier gives me a clean hospital shirt and tells me to change into it, and then leaves. I do as I'm told, although hesitating due to the hatred for my body. I lay down again after putting it on. The doctor prepares things, including the tube. It's thick, and I'm not so sure it's even possible to get it down my throat. I’m shaking. I’m scared.

Two more nurses accompany the doctor. One of them draws blood and leaves, and the other checks my blood pressure. When they're finished, the doctor quickly explains the procedure while the first nurse returns with a cup of water.

They tell me to lie down. The two nurses standing on each side of me now hold my arms down while the doctor tilts my head back and starts guiding the tube down my throat. One nurse gives me the water in small sips. It's given to me so that the tube will go down more easily. I start crying again as it slowly moves down my throat. I gag and cough. It’s like I’m being choked.

I'm uncertain if I throw up or not, but I doubt it - I never do. However, it feels like I'm being violated, and the whole procedure seems to take forever. They repeat it until the liquid that comes up has no more traces of pills. I hardly have any recollection of what happens next. I don’t remember how long it actually takes, and I don’t remember having the tube removed. However, I do know I’m crying the whole time.

Picture // Tumblr

Lucifer's Hands

I wrote this poem when I was in a psych ward in July/August last year. I had reached out for help without extreme measures, and was heard - in a way. They were condescending and kicked me out after four days, but it was something. I was lying in bed there, thinking about my boyfriend. I've been asked how it's possible that he's helped me if I still struggle with the things I do even though I have him. This is what came of it. It might not be a big thing for others, but it is for me. It was originally written in my native language, so I'll include the original below the English translation.

Lucifer’s Hands 

Lucifer’s hands 

lay around my throat 

He tightened his grip, 

and made it impossible to breathe 

He created 

a chaos of thoughts and urges 

That ended with cuts and blood, 

pills, and all that followed 

I tried 

to run, escape, flee 

But he always caught up with me, 

and dragged me back into the abyss 

He trapped me 

in an eternal vicious circle 

The pain was the only way out, 

although it never lasted 

A slave 

of the forces of darkness 

All light was bygone, 

leaving only my biggest fear 

But then, 

you were there 

Reached out a hand, 

offered to listen 

From you, 

I received help when I fell 

You got me back on my feet 

without asking anything of me 

You, 

who also had suffered, 

you cared for me, 

without an ounce of selfishness 

And I 

wanted to give the fight another go 

More determined than before, 

for you 

For Lucifer’s hands 

lie around my throat 

But you made him 

loosen his grip

Lucifers hender 

Lucifers hender

lå rundt halsen min

Han strammet grepet

og gjorde det umulig å puste

Han skapte

et kaos av tanker og trang

Med følger som kutt og blod,

piller og alt som hørte med

Jeg prøvde

å løpe, rømme, flykte

Men han tok meg alltid igjen,

og dro meg ned i avgrunnen

Han fanget meg

i en evig ond sirkel

Smerten var eneste vei ut,

selv om det ikke varte

En slave

av mørkets krefter

Alt lyst var svunnet hen,

og etterlot kun min største frykt

Men så

sto du der

Rakte ut en hånd,

tilbød deg å lytte

Av deg

fikk jeg hjelp når jeg falt

Du stablet meg på beina,

uten å be om noe i gjengjeld

Du

som selv hadde lidd

tok meg til deg

uten noe egoisme i tankene

Og jeg

ville gi kampen et nytt forsøk

Mer bestemt enn før,

for din skyld

For Lucifers hender

ligger rundt halsen min

Men du fikk ham til

å løsne grepet