090612

Every time I've attempted suicide or overdosed, I've told myself the same; this was the last time. I'll never put myself through anything similar again. I'll never hurt anyone around me like that again. I'll never take it this far again, I'll never allow it to go this far again.

However... as time passes by, it's like my mind automatically alters the memories. The pain, the humiliation, the loss of control over my body, the feeling of being paralyzed, the cold, the dizziness, the confusion, having my stomach pumped...

The memories seem so distant. It didn't happen to me. I don't associate the memories with the feelings I know they brought anymore, and after a few months, I've once again convinced myself that it'll be quick and painless, although I know otherwise. Once again, every single thing I do becomes a question of choosing between life and death. Quite literally. It's like my mind and body are plotting against me, preparing to do it again, and I'm not even sure if I want to die.

Picture // WeHeartIt

It terrifies me.