Untitled

i once heard that over time,
all of our cells replace themselves
so maybe one day, in a while
i'll be someone completely different
and maybe you will, too

maybe then we'll cross paths again
and i don't believe in second chances, but
maybe i'd make an exception for you
and perhaps find that we are more compatible
than i ever thought

for i doubt i can be what you need and crave
at this point in time
even though i crave you
with every fiber of my being

i know my limitations, though i prefer to deny it
and continuously try
to be more than what i am,
more of what you want
to keep you

but maybe, just maybe
someday
when i've shed this skin of a girl
i truly can be

I just want to matter

I just want to matter to someone. I want to be someone's top priority for once. I want someone to put as much effort into me as I put into them. It really hurts to know that I'm not important to anyone and that I'll never be someone's first choice. No matter how much someone loves me, I'll still always be their lowest priority. No one will ever go out of their way for me. No one will really miss me or be afraid of losing me. No one will show me that they care about me and love me, they'll just say it. Empty words. I don't believe in words anymore. I can't. I only believe in actions, and even then I'm skeptical because everyone seems to have ulterior motives when it comes to me. Even my therapist keeps saying that I can't listen to what people say because it has such an extremely devastating effect on me when they say something and do something else than what they originally said and it tips me off the edge of the map.

I wish someone would really care about me. I wish I had someone who would do sweet things and give me attention and affection and cuddle with me and kiss me and go out of their way to meet me and make me happy. In other words, to do what I would do for them. I want to be shown that I'm loved and wanted and cared for, not told that I am.

Lucifer's Hands

I wrote this poem when I was in a psych ward in July/August last year. I had reached out for help without extreme measures, and was heard - in a way. They were condescending and kicked me out after four days, but it was something. I was lying in bed there, thinking about my boyfriend. I've been asked how it's possible that he's helped me if I still struggle with the things I do even though I have him. This is what came of it. It might not be a big thing for others, but it is for me. It was originally written in my native language, so I'll include the original below the English translation.

Lucifer’s Hands 

Lucifer’s hands 

lay around my throat 

He tightened his grip, 

and made it impossible to breathe 

He created 

a chaos of thoughts and urges 

That ended with cuts and blood, 

pills, and all that followed 

I tried 

to run, escape, flee 

But he always caught up with me, 

and dragged me back into the abyss 

He trapped me 

in an eternal vicious circle 

The pain was the only way out, 

although it never lasted 

A slave 

of the forces of darkness 

All light was bygone, 

leaving only my biggest fear 

But then, 

you were there 

Reached out a hand, 

offered to listen 

From you, 

I received help when I fell 

You got me back on my feet 

without asking anything of me 

You, 

who also had suffered, 

you cared for me, 

without an ounce of selfishness 

And I 

wanted to give the fight another go 

More determined than before, 

for you 

For Lucifer’s hands 

lie around my throat 

But you made him 

loosen his grip

Lucifers hender 

Lucifers hender

lå rundt halsen min

Han strammet grepet

og gjorde det umulig å puste

Han skapte

et kaos av tanker og trang

Med følger som kutt og blod,

piller og alt som hørte med

Jeg prøvde

å løpe, rømme, flykte

Men han tok meg alltid igjen,

og dro meg ned i avgrunnen

Han fanget meg

i en evig ond sirkel

Smerten var eneste vei ut,

selv om det ikke varte

En slave

av mørkets krefter

Alt lyst var svunnet hen,

og etterlot kun min største frykt

Men så

sto du der

Rakte ut en hånd,

tilbød deg å lytte

Av deg

fikk jeg hjelp når jeg falt

Du stablet meg på beina,

uten å be om noe i gjengjeld

Du

som selv hadde lidd

tok meg til deg

uten noe egoisme i tankene

Og jeg

ville gi kampen et nytt forsøk

Mer bestemt enn før,

for din skyld

For Lucifers hender

ligger rundt halsen min

Men du fikk ham til

å løsne grepet