Voices

Picture // Unknown

"Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think you're actually worth something? Do you actually think someone cares about you? That's funny. Everyone hates you, you stupid cow."

"Do you really think they like you? Why on Earth would they? You're stupid. You're ugly. You're fat. You're pathetic. You're boring. You're immature. You're repulsive. You're worthless. You're useless. You're the most pathetic waste of space. You have no redeeming qualities whatsoever."

"They'll be better off without you, and you know it."

"Cut yourself. Do it. DO IT! NOW!"

"DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO, OR I'LL CONTINUE TO TORTURE YOU UNTIL YOU'RE CRYING AND SCREAMING FOR THE PAIN TO STOP!"

"Just look... they're all ignoring you. They're all avoiding you. They're weak and pathetic, too, they're too cowardly to tell you the truth. They should tell you the truth. It would break your heart. Wait... that's right, your heart is already broken. You know why? Because you're an idiot. You brought it on yourself. It's your own fucking fault."

"They're gonna leave you just like everyone else has in the past. You're not even worthy of a goodbye or an explanation."

"HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BE SO STUPID? YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST LITTLE SHIT EVER, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU! IT'S BETTER THAT YOU REALIZE IT NOW!"

"Why are you such an idiot?! Protect your heart, dammit, what's left of it! They're gonna hurt you! Remember what happened the last time! No one will ever love you, no one will ever find you worthy of being loved! Get away from them!"

"They're all gonna leave, you know... I'm your only friend, and you know it."

"You're not meant to be happy. You might as well just end it now. There are no other fucking options!"

"They're just lying. No one's ever going to be truthful to you, you're not worth it. Nobody will ever love you or care for you. They just want to abuse you and take advantage of you, why can't you see that?!"

"IT'S ALL LIES! YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE! THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET YOU!"

"You don't deserve to live. End it."

"You think you can be fixed? That's a laugh. No one can fix you. No one can help you. All people will do is hurt you and break you. That's all you are; a broken, inconsistent mess. No one will ever love someone as broken and fucked up as you. You're a piece of shit. You're not worth all the effort it would take to be with you."

Please, for once, just leave me alone...

Broken trust and broken hearts

Picture // WeHeartIt

I had a therapist who once, when I talked about my parents, told me that "when your parents spent years breaking your trust, they'll have to spend at least twice as long re-building it, there's no way around that." I think that makes sense because trust can take years to build and be broken within seconds. Why can't everyone see that? Why is it that people who come into my life expect me to trust them so quickly? Why do people break my trust and then wonder why I don't trust them and don't believe them anymore?

I've been abused and lied to and abandoned by so many people in my life, so I've always been mistrusting and suspicious. My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive, and he'd lie and deceive me several times (for instance, he'd flirt with others, and lead a boy on, promising they'd be together (possibly cheated on me with him, I'm not 100% certain), and then got mad at me when I found out and basically said it was none of my business, and lied about who he was dating to people). He knew I had trust issues already. I'd stay with him (silly me), and some time after the fact, I'd at some point get insecure and scared because I struggled to believe that he loved me and cared about me (which he ultimately didn't). At first, he handled my "accusations" okay... after a while, he'd just get mad at me. He claimed he worked his ass off to make me trust him again and said all his efforts were for nothing when he couldn't get me to trust him anyway so why should he bother to try, when the truth was that he didn't even fucking try, and it had only been a few weeks. In what world does that even work? I didn't trust easily to begin with.

Now, after he dumped me, it's even worse. I don't believe anything. I can't believe it if someone says they care about me, or that they're worried about me, or that they wish they could see me but can't. If I feel ignored and avoided and say that and someone says they don't mean to make me feel that way, I can't believe it. No matter what, my mind just keeps screaming "LIES!" and tells me "you're even more stupid than I thought if you believe any of what they're saying... why would anyone be truthful to you? You're not worth it." I try to block it out, and maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but that's because I'm so insanely scared of getting hurt again. How mistrusting and suspicious and scared I am is so crippling and makes it so hard to have any form of relations, especially when people refuse to show me that they care. They refuse to back up their words with action.

And now there's a guy I met and stuff who keeps saying how he can't make me trust him and how it bothers him, and I've known him for like... three months, and he's basically been ignoring and avoiding me the past weeks anyway, and again, how does that even work? It won't make it any easier, and saying that just makes me feel like he's gonna give up trying to make me trust him, too, because it takes too much time and effort.

People tend to say a lot of things, but then their actions prove otherwise. Why is it that so many people seem to think that words say as much as actions when that's nowhere near the truth? Why do so many people seem to think that trust comes so easily? Why do they think they don't have to work for it and that someone who's probably the most mistrusting person they'll ever meet can just meet them and start off by trusting them?

Also, do I have to accept that people will only tell me things, not show it? Because that's what it seems like people expect me to. If I talk about proving what they say to be true by actually doing something to back it up, people seem to perceive me as having unrealistic expectations to them; that I'm too demanding. Due to being lied to so much, I don't know if I can do that. Actions speak so much louder than words. I don't know how to learn to trust anyone without that.

Trust is earned. You have to work for it. No one should hand you their trust just 'cause you want them to. I certainly won't, and I can't.

2012 and today

So, 2012... what can I say? My psychologist quit, my dad died, my boyfriend dumped me after one and a half year, and I was committed to, and discharged from, an adolescent psychiatric ward. That's the sequential order of... major events, my dad's death being the biggest one. The only thing I achieved was, well, to not kill myself. I didn't even attempt, although I was very close. There's been a couple of visits to the emergency room and my doctor's office to get stitches, but that's it. No overdose (as that's my usual method when I attempt), no ambulance, no hospital, no gastric lavage, no observation or lying unconscious in the ICU. Is it sad if I say that that's an accomplishment?

Seriously, how messed up is that? Yay, I didn't try to kill myself last year. Amazing. When I looked forward to becoming a teenager and growing up, this really wasn't what I imagined. Y'know, self harm, suicide attempts, hospitals, psych wards, years of therapy, countless emergency appointments, medications. Severe depression with psychotic features (in my case, those are auditory hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions), personality disorders, an eating disorder, generalized anxiety, panic attacks brought on by the personality disorders and generalized anxiety. Wanting to die rather than staying alive 'cause it's less frightening, yet being too scared of dying. Being so unstable that I mess up every relation I have.

I'm 18, and I'm still as sad and stuck as I was when I was 13-14. I'm worse. I'll admit I haven't always been very... receptive of treatment, but a lot of the time, I've been trying my best. Yet, here I am; worse. I haven't tried to kill myself in over a year, but I'm still at my worst so far.

My emotions are all over the place. They fluctuate from euphoric heights to uncontrollable rage to the depths of depression to crippling anxiety within hours/minutes/seconds. I don't know how to control it. I can't control it. It happens so quickly that I don't get the time to react. It's never been this bad before. I don't know how to cope with it. I want to explain it, but it's difficult. It's complex and hard to convey how debilitating it is. Maybe I'll make a post about it.

2013 has been shitty so far. It's only been eight days, but I've spent the most part in my room; blinds shut, lights off, lying in bed, listening to music, crying, cutting... a couple of days ago, I just couldn't sleep at all, so I tried taking some of the meds I took to be able to sleep before. Turns out that if you take 100mg of Truxal when you've been off of it for a while, you'll wet yourself in your sleep and pass out whenever you try to get out of bed when you wake up (and then you have to sleep some more to feel better), even though you've taken higher dosages daily before. Fantastic. Well, at least I got some deep sleep. I don't have much of a reason to stay awake anymore.

I honestly don't think I'll live through this year. That's not a threat. It's more of a realization. I know I'll be the end of me. It's both terrifying, and somewhat a relief.

Picture // private

Two handfuls of reasons why

(Right forearm, July 2012)

This entry contains one graphic and possibly triggering picture hidden under a spoiler-button.

Both of the pictures in this entry are of me. This is a very personal matter to me. 

Please read with respect.

I first cut myself when I was about 12 years old. I had heard about it, and I was curious as to how cutting your own skin could help when you were sad. I figured I might try it. Dumb decision. If I had known what I know now, I wouldn't have done it, but what do you expect from a 12 year old? As I've grown older, the reasons for why I do it have increased and changed. Reasons for why I resorted to self harm as a way to cope.

I say that I started at age 12. I had been biting the skin around my fingernails and pulled my hair out since I was maybe 8-9 years old, first as a bad habit, and then due to the relief it brought, but age 12. At that age, I was aware of what I was doing. I've beat myself up with objects or my fists. I've banged my head and fists into walls. I've burned myself with matches and lighters. I've verbally abused myself until I made myself cry. I've pulled my hair out. I've bitten the skin around my fingernails and on my knuckles until it bled.

What stuck with me, though, was the cutting. Cutting brought the best relief. I've cut myself with any sharp object at hand, ranging from shards of glass and scissors, to razor blades and scalpels. Scratches first, barely drawing blood. I rarely did it in the beginning. Cuts drawing blood, cuts bleeding like they would never stop, cuts needing steri-strips, glue, or stitches. Gashes in my skin. Scars everywhere. More frequent cutting, escalating in periods.

But why? Why would anyone practise self-destruction and permanently scar and damage their body?

I can give you a handful (or two) of reasons why.

Instant relief from overwhelming emotions

I'm extremely sensitive to most things around me. I react strongly to the smallest things, and I've even been told my my previous therapist that I have more overwhelming and intense feelings than a lot of people. Self harm puts my focus on something else and helps me forget the emotional pain for a few short moments, especially the nagging, sickening anxiety I feel all the time.

Feeling something rather than being numb

Then again, I'm not always struggling with intense emotions. Sometimes, I'm completely numb and get desperate to just feel something. Feeling physical pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

Physical pain > emotional pain

It's easier to deal with physical pain. Simple as that. I'm in control of the physical pain. I'm not in control of the emotional pain.

I deserve it, punishment, self-hatred

I hate myself. I hate my body, and I hate my thoughts and way of thinking. I hate what I've become, and I need to punish myself for it. I have to punish myself if I do something I wasn't supposed to. I have to punish myself for being like this. I deserve the physical pain, the cuts, the scars, the condescending comments, the disgusted looks, the stupid jokes, the nasty remarks, and the pointed fingers....

It's beautiful, it fascinates me

I think cut and scars are beautiful, same with blood. I like the taste of blood, too. Also, I have a perhaps unhealthy fascination with the human body, and I'm curious about it. I'm eager to learn and explore. What's beneath my skin is intriguing, and I'm curious to look at it. When I had surgery on my leg, I watched as they changed the bandages. I had a huge, deep hole in my leg. Nerves severed. I'll probably never regain feeling in that area. The pain was excruciating even though I was given morphine, but after the worst pain had subsided, I couldn't help but to sit up a bit and look as the hole in my leg filled with blood before they put new compresses into the wound and bandaged it up. Now, two years later, I still wish I had a picture of that hole in my leg...

To validate emotional pain

I have a mental illness. No one can see the constant pain I'm in. It's not fair that how I feel and how much I hurt should only be on the inside. It damn well should show. People have to see the pain I'm in. Actions speak louder than words.

To "separate" myself from "pretty" people

I bet this needs some some explaining, for sure. What I mean is that I try to make myself ugly and permanently scar myself and forever give up the hopes of joining the "pretty", "happy" people. I feel less worth than them, and in a way, I want to destroy every chance of "joining" them.

To make myself unwanted

As if my body didn't make me repulsive enough already. It's a bit backwards, I guess... 'cause I need to feel wanted. I need to feel loved. I want to be with someone. Yet, I try to make my body as disgusting as possible to other people by scarring it like that... why? I'm not actually sure. Punishment? You tell me. 

It's become an addiction

Regardless of my state of mind, I want to cut. I can be perfectly fine and still have that nagging urge to hurt myself. It feels like I'll never be able to live without it. I can't imagine living a life where i don't hurt myself on a regular basis. I could write page up and page down about this, but bottom line is; it's an addiction. It's a compulsion. Addictions are hard (although not impossible) to overcome.

(Right forearm, July 2012)

"Punishment"

Sometimes, I get into this mindset of "if I have to suffer, then so do you" and "if you make me suffer, I'm gonna make you suffer." Essentially, that I have to punish someone. It usually derives from getting hurt by someone, obviously, but at times, I have no reason to start acting like that.

I'm a very sensitive person. I'm extremely sensitive to people's actions and words, and I often take things the wrong way or start over-analyzing. Catastrophe-thoughts often follow.

I think my boyfriend is the one who has experienced that the most. I easily overreact, and can get very hurt and angry even if he didn't do anything wrong. So because he made me suffer, regardless of if he actually did me wrong or if I'm just overreacting, he has to suffer, too. Logical? Not really.

Once again, I'm divided into two parts.

I usually hate fighting with people. A part of me just wants to make things okay and be happy and positive, but then there's that monster that just won't let me. It feels like I'm either going to explode or cave in in my desperate attempt to work against it and control it, 'cause both sides are so incredibly strong. Regardless of how much I try to push that ugly mindset away, I most often can't. I can't even make myself type out a happy smiley on msn. I can barely make myself tell my boyfriend that I love him, even though I really do. I can't make myself write long replies or say anything positive. I can hardly make myself reply at all. It's like this huge wall that I can't knock down. I know that it's no one's fault but my own, but it's really hard.

Also, this "punishment" always backfires. I know that it backfires, and yet I keep doing the same thing. I'm the one who gets hurt, not the person I'm trying to punish. Eventually, I feel so hopeless and desperate that I just start crying. Everyone just thinks I'm in a bad mood, and they can't really pick up on it. It's not just a "bad mood". It's an internal war between a monster and the real me. I always cry and cut and beat myself up over it afterwards and vow to control it better the next time, but I highly doubt that I can.

Picture // Tumblr