"Attention-seeker"

Picture // Tumblr

"She's just doing it for attention."
"Ignore it, and she'll stop eventually. If you give her attention, she'll just keep doing it."

Things I hear all the time regarding my self harm, suicidal thoughts and actions, and my other mental issues. Things I hear from friends and read online - not about myself, but about others.

Yes, I do want attention. Is that such a bad thing? Why is it that wanting attention has become so negative, such a derogatory term?

I've been ignored and put down my whole life, so much that I even prefer negative attention rather than being invisible. If I had the option between being beaten, and being ignored completely, I'd choose the first. I've provoked people into hitting me.Terrifying, but still better options than being ignored. It was better than being invisible.

Yes, I am partly doing what I'm doing to myself for attention. Not because I want people to pity me or baby me, but because I want someone to really see how much pain I'm in. Because I want someone to acknowledge my issues for what they are. Because I need love and attention and encouragement, just like anyone else.

No, I will not stop if people keep ignoring me. Quite the contrary, I'll scream louder and louder in the only ways I know of - worse behaviour, worse cuts, worse overdoses, worse suicide attempts. It's true that I get encouraged to keep destroying myself from the attention I've gotten after overdoses and suicide attempts, but only because the kind of attention I've been given has reinforced the fact that I need to do these things to be seen. If they had listened to my words, I wouldn't have to take to such extreme action.

I need reassurance. I need to understand that I can be seen and heard - using words alone. I need someone to hear what I say before I do something really bad. I need someone to see and hear what my thoughts can make me do - before I do it. I need people to care. I need people to encourage my recovery and utter concern for the reasons behind what I've done if I first do something drastic.

Wanting attention is not a bad thing. It's human nature. Babies scream and cry to get it if they're ignored.

"S/he just cuts for attention."

"His/her problems aren't real."

"Attention-seeker."

In my opinion, people who say things like that, their voices condescending and filled with venom, are ignorant. Who can decide what problems are real or not? Do they not understand how much pain someone has to be in to drag a blade across their own skin? Even if it's "just for attention", if someone is so desperate to be seen and for someone to care that they permanently scar their own bodies, isn't that a sign that something is wrong?

I do not cut only for attention (I could list almost a dozen reasons, and I will in a later entry), but it's one of them. For people to see my pain. Until I learn that it's okay to not do it, that people still see me and my problems, it will probably remain one of the reasons.