Ever since the thought first occurred to me, not a single day has passed where I haven't thought about it. Of course it varies in strength, and the thought isn't synonymous with the urge to do it. It can be a brief thought that enters my mind one second and vanished the next, or it can be an urge so powerful it's all that consumes me, an urge it's almost impossible to not act out on.
The urges and the self-destructiveness that consume me have caused me to cut myself, to burn myself, to abuse myself physically and verbally and emotionally in most ways I can think of. They've caused me to overdose, to slit my wrists, to walk into the street with cars approaching, to try to drown myself, and to stand on bridges, trying to gather the courage to jump.
Regardless of the strength of the thoughts and urges, no day has been completely without, and maybe that's what they meant when they told me I was chronically suicidal and nothing could be done about it. Am I doomed to continue like this for the rest of my life, however long or short that might be? Do I always have to possess this need to tempt death, or even to "achieve" it?
It's been like that for so long. It's been a long time to want to take my own life.
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