I just want to matter

I just want to matter to someone. I want to be someone's top priority for once. I want someone to put as much effort into me as I put into them. It really hurts to know that I'm not important to anyone and that I'll never be someone's first choice. No matter how much someone loves me, I'll still always be their lowest priority. No one will ever go out of their way for me. No one will really miss me or be afraid of losing me. No one will show me that they care about me and love me, they'll just say it. Empty words. I don't believe in words anymore. I can't. I only believe in actions, and even then I'm skeptical because everyone seems to have ulterior motives when it comes to me. Even my therapist keeps saying that I can't listen to what people say because it has such an extremely devastating effect on me when they say something and do something else than what they originally said and it tips me off the edge of the map.

I wish someone would really care about me. I wish I had someone who would do sweet things and give me attention and affection and cuddle with me and kiss me and go out of their way to meet me and make me happy. In other words, to do what I would do for them. I want to be shown that I'm loved and wanted and cared for, not told that I am.