Meds

I haven't been able to sleep well for the past three years, since doctors took me off of my previous sleeping meds. A month ago my doctor prescribed Seroquel, but I'm worried about weight gain. I know I'm on a really low dosage, but I'm still scared. I expressed that to her, and she seriously suggested weight loss surgery... then she prescribed Flouxetine because "it can help with bulimia". I'm not very hopeful. But I'm taking it.

Also, how easily attached I get to people is getting ridiculous. This is not normal. My reactions to most things aren't either. I've asked to be hospitalized since this summer because I had several pretty bad and desperate episodes, but nope. No can do. I'm going to a new DPS on Wednesday. I have no expectations whatsoever. No one's been interested in helping me so far since I turned 18.

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I have nothing to contribute with. There's no point in writing. I'm tired. I'm tired and scared and alone and I don't know what to do. Everyone expects me to be better, but I don't feel better, I feel worse. I'm consumed with horrible thoughts and painful memories that won't go away unless I destroy myself. I don't want to let anyone down. School already stresses me out. The thought of keeping it all together another year to not "compromise" my education, showing up, doing homework and tests, to manage to sleep and keep the binging, purging, and cutting under control... it's exhausting. I'm running on spare batteries and I'm just so damn tired. I just want to forget about everything and sleep.

So what now?

Soon after turning 18, I was referred to an outpatient clinic that specialised in personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder. The psychologist I met there was to evaluate me for a few weeks and see if I was in the target group for their therapy and if I'd be offered treatment. She concluded with no, I wasn't. She changed two of my diagnoses to one "unspecified", slapped on some other diagnoses, and sent me on my merry way.

When I was discharged from the psych ward in 2012, the psychologist I had had there urged me to talk to a nutritionist about my eating issues. Despite being terrified, I did. We scheduled a new appointment two weeks later. The day before, the office called me and cancelled, and rescheduled. The same happened the next week, and the week after that, and eventually they didn't contact me again. When the psychiatrist at the outpatient adolescent center I had gone to for several years contacted them (she was summarizing things before shipping me off to adult psychiatry), they had the nerve to say that I didn't show up and that they'd love to see me again (no thanks). 

I got a session at the district psychiatric center in.. November? The first thing the psychologist told me was that I would only get sessions every two to three weeks, and I had to be prepared for some of them to be cancelled. So much for having it written in my medical files that "intensive, long term, consistent therapy is required". I know they don't have enough capacity, but it still fucking hurts. I felt so rejected and stupid and instantly started resenting him. Then we had a couple of sessions before Christmas, and he told me he was leaving the center, but that he'd refer me to group therapy that was supposed to start up in spring. At the same time I was referred to a unit that focuses more on anxiety disorders and exposure. They rejected me. I don't know why.

The woman evaluating me for that group quickly came to the conclusion that while group could be beneficial later, it wouldn't do me any good now. I agreed, because I wasn't so keen on group therapy anyway. I told her that "I don't see a point in going here if I can't get weekly sessions, and there's no way that's gonna happen anyway, so why bother trying." How can you sum up all the shit that's happened in three weeks in 45 minutes? You can't. It's not enough. In that case, no treatment is better than infrequent and inconsistent treatment. It's better to not have anything at all than to be called up and hear that your appointment was cancelled when you really needed to talk to someone. Disappointment. Rejection. No.

I'm left with private treatment, but that's expensive. I know a lot of people experience worse than me in the mental health system, but this still hurts, and I really feel like I'm not worthy of treatment. That I'm not "sick enough". 

It shouldn't be this way; that only the ones who scream the loudest get the help they need. 

Heartbreak

I honestly feel like my heart has been broken by three different people at the same time, and I know it's all my fault. I keep making bad choices for myself and keep fucking up. I like and miss and want three different people and and I can't let go of them, but I can't have any of them. I could've had one of them but chose not to because I felt so torn and was so scared. And now it's way too late. The worst part is that even if it wasn't, I might still shy away because I can't let go of the others.

I wish I could forget. Even if I meet someone now who likes me and who I like as well, I'm still not able to let go and wouldn't be able to be with them. I want to forget, I want a clean slate so I can actually try to make some good choices and find someone who wants me instead of living in the past and regretting so much and holding onto people who don't want me anymore. I remember everything they said and did and I just want to forget, but I can't.

When I try to feel okay, all it takes is one small thing that I read or see or hear, and I'm back, crying my eyes out and wanting to die because of it. I don't know how to get over it, I don't know how to move on. And I feel so pathetic because I've never been in a relationship with any of them. It shouldn't be this hard.

I think maybe it would be easier if I got some closure; if I got to tell them everything I haven't been able to so it doesn't stay inside me, torturing me. But I don't think they'll let me. They don't care anymore, and it's been too long. Another thing is that despite knowing I've lost my chance, there's still a small part of me that keeps hoping. I need them to tell me they want nothing to do with me, to block me, to hate me. I need that hope to be completely destroyed.

Put me on your life support

I think some people who have been (and are) in my life have had (and have) some misconceptions about what I mean when I say I want support. A lot of the time, all I hear is "how can we support what you're doing to yourself?"

That's not what I mean. I don't want anyone to support my slow and meticulous self-destruction. I want support to get better - to recover. I just want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay, and even if I under most circumstances wouldn't believe a word of it, I still would because I needed to. I want someone to hold me when I'm scared and keep me safe. I want someone to just let me cry in their arms and tell me that they love me, and that even though they're worried about me, they won't leave because they care so much about me. I want encouragement and praise when I make progress, and reassurance that everyone can make mistakes and that it's okay to fall down when I relapse. I want to be taken seriously and to have my problems acknowledged, not belittled. I want acknowledgement for trying my best. I want someone to see past my problems and love the person behind these illnesses. I don't want to be seen as a disorder, I want to be seen as someone who has a disorder but who shouldn't be defined by it and is a real person nonetheless. I want help to get through all of this and to recover and find some sort of normalcy and stability in my life. I want to get help to get back on the track of life and to reach the finish line and actually start living.

An update, I suppose

I hardly ever post here. I don't know, there are many things I want to say, things I need to get off my chest... but when I try to write, it always ends up as an inconsistent mess; it makes no sense. Pretty much like me, I guess.

I've been given a one month break from my internship. It's been too hard lately. My mind's been too preoccupied with other things, and I've felt like such a failure even there, a place that's supposed to be therapeutic. My caseworker assured me that they're not supposed to have to rely on me there, that I'm not supposed to answer to them, which actually is a huge relief. I feel like I'm not doing enough and that I'm disappointing everyone, and hearing that, and not having to worry about it and feel so guilty for a while is nice.

I saw my doctor on Thursday. She upped the dosage of my medication again. I don't notice any difference. I told her that I really want to see my medical files and read the notes all the people whom I've met while being a psychiatric patient have written. I've wanted to read it for a long time, but it kind of terrifies me. I'm scared of seeing what they've said about me because what if they've said lots of negative stuff? Maybe they've said that I'm exaggerating or lying... maybe they think I'm stupid... but I want to know what it says. Some of the things in my discharge papers from the last time I was inpatient upset me, but I liked reading it anyway. I especially want to see the notes and discharge papers from the times I've been in the emergency ward, and the notes taken by my most recent male psychologist. I really liked him. I really miss him as my therapist.

I finally got to meet and talk to the guy I like this week, too. I don't really know what to do about that. I feel a bit better now, though, and have managed to keep my insecurities and fears at bay since then (which is only a few days, but that's still a huge accomplishment). I'm still confused, though. Confused, scared, conflicted. About... pretty much everything. I really like him, though. I think I might be falling in love with him... shit. That's not good at all. Everything is so confusing.

Voices

Picture // Unknown

"Who the fuck do you think you are? Do you think you're actually worth something? Do you actually think someone cares about you? That's funny. Everyone hates you, you stupid cow."

"Do you really think they like you? Why on Earth would they? You're stupid. You're ugly. You're fat. You're pathetic. You're boring. You're immature. You're repulsive. You're worthless. You're useless. You're the most pathetic waste of space. You have no redeeming qualities whatsoever."

"They'll be better off without you, and you know it."

"Cut yourself. Do it. DO IT! NOW!"

"DO WHAT I TELL YOU TO DO, OR I'LL CONTINUE TO TORTURE YOU UNTIL YOU'RE CRYING AND SCREAMING FOR THE PAIN TO STOP!"

"Just look... they're all ignoring you. They're all avoiding you. They're weak and pathetic, too, they're too cowardly to tell you the truth. They should tell you the truth. It would break your heart. Wait... that's right, your heart is already broken. You know why? Because you're an idiot. You brought it on yourself. It's your own fucking fault."

"They're gonna leave you just like everyone else has in the past. You're not even worthy of a goodbye or an explanation."

"HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU BE SO STUPID? YOU'RE THE STUPIDEST LITTLE SHIT EVER, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU! IT'S BETTER THAT YOU REALIZE IT NOW!"

"Why are you such an idiot?! Protect your heart, dammit, what's left of it! They're gonna hurt you! Remember what happened the last time! No one will ever love you, no one will ever find you worthy of being loved! Get away from them!"

"They're all gonna leave, you know... I'm your only friend, and you know it."

"You're not meant to be happy. You might as well just end it now. There are no other fucking options!"

"They're just lying. No one's ever going to be truthful to you, you're not worth it. Nobody will ever love you or care for you. They just want to abuse you and take advantage of you, why can't you see that?!"

"IT'S ALL LIES! YOU CAN'T TRUST ANYONE! THEY'RE ALL OUT TO GET YOU!"

"You don't deserve to live. End it."

"You think you can be fixed? That's a laugh. No one can fix you. No one can help you. All people will do is hurt you and break you. That's all you are; a broken, inconsistent mess. No one will ever love someone as broken and fucked up as you. You're a piece of shit. You're not worth all the effort it would take to be with you."

Please, for once, just leave me alone...