Meds

I haven't been able to sleep well for the past three years, since doctors took me off of my previous sleeping meds. A month ago my doctor prescribed Seroquel, but I'm worried about weight gain. I know I'm on a really low dosage, but I'm still scared. I expressed that to her, and she seriously suggested weight loss surgery... then she prescribed Flouxetine because "it can help with bulimia". I'm not very hopeful. But I'm taking it.

Also, how easily attached I get to people is getting ridiculous. This is not normal. My reactions to most things aren't either. I've asked to be hospitalized since this summer because I had several pretty bad and desperate episodes, but nope. No can do. I'm going to a new DPS on Wednesday. I have no expectations whatsoever. No one's been interested in helping me so far since I turned 18.

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I have nothing to contribute with. There's no point in writing. I'm tired. I'm tired and scared and alone and I don't know what to do. Everyone expects me to be better, but I don't feel better, I feel worse. I'm consumed with horrible thoughts and painful memories that won't go away unless I destroy myself. I don't want to let anyone down. School already stresses me out. The thought of keeping it all together another year to not "compromise" my education, showing up, doing homework and tests, to manage to sleep and keep the binging, purging, and cutting under control... it's exhausting. I'm running on spare batteries and I'm just so damn tired. I just want to forget about everything and sleep.

So what now?

Soon after turning 18, I was referred to an outpatient clinic that specialised in personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder. The psychologist I met there was to evaluate me for a few weeks and see if I was in the target group for their therapy and if I'd be offered treatment. She concluded with no, I wasn't. She changed two of my diagnoses to one "unspecified", slapped on some other diagnoses, and sent me on my merry way.

When I was discharged from the psych ward in 2012, the psychologist I had had there urged me to talk to a nutritionist about my eating issues. Despite being terrified, I did. We scheduled a new appointment two weeks later. The day before, the office called me and cancelled, and rescheduled. The same happened the next week, and the week after that, and eventually they didn't contact me again. When the psychiatrist at the outpatient adolescent center I had gone to for several years contacted them (she was summarizing things before shipping me off to adult psychiatry), they had the nerve to say that I didn't show up and that they'd love to see me again (no thanks). 

I got a session at the district psychiatric center in.. November? The first thing the psychologist told me was that I would only get sessions every two to three weeks, and I had to be prepared for some of them to be cancelled. So much for having it written in my medical files that "intensive, long term, consistent therapy is required". I know they don't have enough capacity, but it still fucking hurts. I felt so rejected and stupid and instantly started resenting him. Then we had a couple of sessions before Christmas, and he told me he was leaving the center, but that he'd refer me to group therapy that was supposed to start up in spring. At the same time I was referred to a unit that focuses more on anxiety disorders and exposure. They rejected me. I don't know why.

The woman evaluating me for that group quickly came to the conclusion that while group could be beneficial later, it wouldn't do me any good now. I agreed, because I wasn't so keen on group therapy anyway. I told her that "I don't see a point in going here if I can't get weekly sessions, and there's no way that's gonna happen anyway, so why bother trying." How can you sum up all the shit that's happened in three weeks in 45 minutes? You can't. It's not enough. In that case, no treatment is better than infrequent and inconsistent treatment. It's better to not have anything at all than to be called up and hear that your appointment was cancelled when you really needed to talk to someone. Disappointment. Rejection. No.

I'm left with private treatment, but that's expensive. I know a lot of people experience worse than me in the mental health system, but this still hurts, and I really feel like I'm not worthy of treatment. That I'm not "sick enough". 

It shouldn't be this way; that only the ones who scream the loudest get the help they need. 

Heartbreak

I honestly feel like my heart has been broken by three different people at the same time, and I know it's all my fault. I keep making bad choices for myself and keep fucking up. I like and miss and want three different people and and I can't let go of them, but I can't have any of them. I could've had one of them but chose not to because I felt so torn and was so scared. And now it's way too late. The worst part is that even if it wasn't, I might still shy away because I can't let go of the others.

I wish I could forget. Even if I meet someone now who likes me and who I like as well, I'm still not able to let go and wouldn't be able to be with them. I want to forget, I want a clean slate so I can actually try to make some good choices and find someone who wants me instead of living in the past and regretting so much and holding onto people who don't want me anymore. I remember everything they said and did and I just want to forget, but I can't.

When I try to feel okay, all it takes is one small thing that I read or see or hear, and I'm back, crying my eyes out and wanting to die because of it. I don't know how to get over it, I don't know how to move on. And I feel so pathetic because I've never been in a relationship with any of them. It shouldn't be this hard.

I think maybe it would be easier if I got some closure; if I got to tell them everything I haven't been able to so it doesn't stay inside me, torturing me. But I don't think they'll let me. They don't care anymore, and it's been too long. Another thing is that despite knowing I've lost my chance, there's still a small part of me that keeps hoping. I need them to tell me they want nothing to do with me, to block me, to hate me. I need that hope to be completely destroyed.