Heartbreak

I honestly feel like my heart has been broken by three different people at the same time, and I know it's all my fault. I keep making bad choices for myself and keep fucking up. I like and miss and want three different people and and I can't let go of them, but I can't have any of them. I could've had one of them but chose not to because I felt so torn and was so scared. And now it's way too late. The worst part is that even if it wasn't, I might still shy away because I can't let go of the others.

I wish I could forget. Even if I meet someone now who likes me and who I like as well, I'm still not able to let go and wouldn't be able to be with them. I want to forget, I want a clean slate so I can actually try to make some good choices and find someone who wants me instead of living in the past and regretting so much and holding onto people who don't want me anymore. I remember everything they said and did and I just want to forget, but I can't.

When I try to feel okay, all it takes is one small thing that I read or see or hear, and I'm back, crying my eyes out and wanting to die because of it. I don't know how to get over it, I don't know how to move on. And I feel so pathetic because I've never been in a relationship with any of them. It shouldn't be this hard.

I think maybe it would be easier if I got some closure; if I got to tell them everything I haven't been able to so it doesn't stay inside me, torturing me. But I don't think they'll let me. They don't care anymore, and it's been too long. Another thing is that despite knowing I've lost my chance, there's still a small part of me that keeps hoping. I need them to tell me they want nothing to do with me, to block me, to hate me. I need that hope to be completely destroyed.