Soon after turning 18, I was referred to an outpatient clinic that specialised in personality disorders, particularly borderline personality disorder. The psychologist I met there was to evaluate me for a few weeks and see if I was in the target group for their therapy and if I'd be offered treatment. She concluded with no, I wasn't. She changed two of my diagnoses to one "unspecified", slapped on some other diagnoses, and sent me on my merry way.
When I was discharged from the psych ward in 2012, the psychologist I had had there urged me to talk to a nutritionist about my eating issues. Despite being terrified, I did. We scheduled a new appointment two weeks later. The day before, the office called me and cancelled, and rescheduled. The same happened the next week, and the week after that, and eventually they didn't contact me again. When the psychiatrist at the outpatient adolescent center I had gone to for several years contacted them (she was summarizing things before shipping me off to adult psychiatry), they had the nerve to say that I didn't show up and that they'd love to see me again (no thanks).
I got a session at the district psychiatric center in.. November? The first thing the psychologist told me was that I would only get sessions every two to three weeks, and I had to be prepared for some of them to be cancelled. So much for having it written in my medical files that "intensive, long term, consistent therapy is required". I know they don't have enough capacity, but it still fucking hurts. I felt so rejected and stupid and instantly started resenting him. Then we had a couple of sessions before Christmas, and he told me he was leaving the center, but that he'd refer me to group therapy that was supposed to start up in spring. At the same time I was referred to a unit that focuses more on anxiety disorders and exposure. They rejected me. I don't know why.
The woman evaluating me for that group quickly came to the conclusion that while group could be beneficial later, it wouldn't do me any good now. I agreed, because I wasn't so keen on group therapy anyway. I told her that "I don't see a point in going here if I can't get weekly sessions, and there's no way that's gonna happen anyway, so why bother trying." How can you sum up all the shit that's happened in three weeks in 45 minutes? You can't. It's not enough. In that case, no treatment is better than infrequent and inconsistent treatment. It's better to not have anything at all than to be called up and hear that your appointment was cancelled when you really needed to talk to someone. Disappointment. Rejection. No.
I'm left with private treatment, but that's expensive. I know a lot of people experience worse than me in the mental health system, but this still hurts, and I really feel like I'm not worthy of treatment. That I'm not "sick enough".
It shouldn't be this way; that only the ones who scream the loudest get the help they need.
