Two handfuls of reasons why

(Right forearm, July 2012)

This entry contains one graphic and possibly triggering picture hidden under a spoiler-button.

Both of the pictures in this entry are of me. This is a very personal matter to me. 

Please read with respect.

I first cut myself when I was about 12 years old. I had heard about it, and I was curious as to how cutting your own skin could help when you were sad. I figured I might try it. Dumb decision. If I had known what I know now, I wouldn't have done it, but what do you expect from a 12 year old? As I've grown older, the reasons for why I do it have increased and changed. Reasons for why I resorted to self harm as a way to cope.

I say that I started at age 12. I had been biting the skin around my fingernails and pulled my hair out since I was maybe 8-9 years old, first as a bad habit, and then due to the relief it brought, but age 12. At that age, I was aware of what I was doing. I've beat myself up with objects or my fists. I've banged my head and fists into walls. I've burned myself with matches and lighters. I've verbally abused myself until I made myself cry. I've pulled my hair out. I've bitten the skin around my fingernails and on my knuckles until it bled.

What stuck with me, though, was the cutting. Cutting brought the best relief. I've cut myself with any sharp object at hand, ranging from shards of glass and scissors, to razor blades and scalpels. Scratches first, barely drawing blood. I rarely did it in the beginning. Cuts drawing blood, cuts bleeding like they would never stop, cuts needing steri-strips, glue, or stitches. Gashes in my skin. Scars everywhere. More frequent cutting, escalating in periods.

But why? Why would anyone practise self-destruction and permanently scar and damage their body?

I can give you a handful (or two) of reasons why.

Instant relief from overwhelming emotions

I'm extremely sensitive to most things around me. I react strongly to the smallest things, and I've even been told my my previous therapist that I have more overwhelming and intense feelings than a lot of people. Self harm puts my focus on something else and helps me forget the emotional pain for a few short moments, especially the nagging, sickening anxiety I feel all the time.

Feeling something rather than being numb

Then again, I'm not always struggling with intense emotions. Sometimes, I'm completely numb and get desperate to just feel something. Feeling physical pain is better than feeling nothing at all.

Physical pain > emotional pain

It's easier to deal with physical pain. Simple as that. I'm in control of the physical pain. I'm not in control of the emotional pain.

I deserve it, punishment, self-hatred

I hate myself. I hate my body, and I hate my thoughts and way of thinking. I hate what I've become, and I need to punish myself for it. I have to punish myself if I do something I wasn't supposed to. I have to punish myself for being like this. I deserve the physical pain, the cuts, the scars, the condescending comments, the disgusted looks, the stupid jokes, the nasty remarks, and the pointed fingers....

It's beautiful, it fascinates me

I think cut and scars are beautiful, same with blood. I like the taste of blood, too. Also, I have a perhaps unhealthy fascination with the human body, and I'm curious about it. I'm eager to learn and explore. What's beneath my skin is intriguing, and I'm curious to look at it. When I had surgery on my leg, I watched as they changed the bandages. I had a huge, deep hole in my leg. Nerves severed. I'll probably never regain feeling in that area. The pain was excruciating even though I was given morphine, but after the worst pain had subsided, I couldn't help but to sit up a bit and look as the hole in my leg filled with blood before they put new compresses into the wound and bandaged it up. Now, two years later, I still wish I had a picture of that hole in my leg...

To validate emotional pain

I have a mental illness. No one can see the constant pain I'm in. It's not fair that how I feel and how much I hurt should only be on the inside. It damn well should show. People have to see the pain I'm in. Actions speak louder than words.

To "separate" myself from "pretty" people

I bet this needs some some explaining, for sure. What I mean is that I try to make myself ugly and permanently scar myself and forever give up the hopes of joining the "pretty", "happy" people. I feel less worth than them, and in a way, I want to destroy every chance of "joining" them.

To make myself unwanted

As if my body didn't make me repulsive enough already. It's a bit backwards, I guess... 'cause I need to feel wanted. I need to feel loved. I want to be with someone. Yet, I try to make my body as disgusting as possible to other people by scarring it like that... why? I'm not actually sure. Punishment? You tell me. 

It's become an addiction

Regardless of my state of mind, I want to cut. I can be perfectly fine and still have that nagging urge to hurt myself. It feels like I'll never be able to live without it. I can't imagine living a life where i don't hurt myself on a regular basis. I could write page up and page down about this, but bottom line is; it's an addiction. It's a compulsion. Addictions are hard (although not impossible) to overcome.

(Right forearm, July 2012)